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Goodbye

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I'm taking a break and I don't know how long. It might be forever. It wouldn't be the first time, anyways. I don't think I'll be able to shake this. I can feel it in my heart. I just care too much. Not just about this but about everything that happens on Wikipedia. It's not healthy. I came here trying to find something and to some extent, I guess I got it. I felt like I was a part of something bigger, also not for the first time.

It's not even just the most recent experience. I was always worried that something like this would happen. I was always waiting for that shoe to drop. Even if I'm trying my absolute best, everything can still go horribly wrong and there's nothing I can do about it. I thought maybe that would happen during my RfA. It so easily could've but it didn't. I felt like I was lucky and not because I did anything special to "deserve" it. But even that experience wasn't without its rough patches. Everything afterwards felt too perfect and that never lasts. People liked me and I was always waiting for that moment where they didn't anymore. I'm sure a lot of people still do actually like me but I feel like I've irrevocably broken something and there's no coming back from that. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist.

There were times I saw the dark side of Wikipedia culture. I foolishly thought that maybe I could change it all by myself. Relentless optimism does that to a person. But one person can only do so much. I put way too much of myself into all of this and people just kept wanting more. My cat died a few days before wikimania. I bottled everything up inside then because I knew that everyone was counting on me. At WCNA, people kept trying to convince me to run for ArbCom, of all places. I don't think I would've been able to take it. I care way too much. It's always been my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I've sacrificed a lot of time and energy here and again, it's not healthy. I wish all of you the best, I truly do. But if you're like me and using Wikipedia as some kind of escape from your real life... maybe reconsider why you're doing that. If I do eventually return, I hope it'll be in a much healthier way. That I'm not just stringing along my unhappy life thinking at least I'm doing something useful in my free time.

Editor reflections has been moved to the Wikipedia namespace. I think I started something good there and I don't have to be the one to "run" it. If anyone is interested in keeping it up, you don't need my permission. The community is free to continue it without my involvement. Clovermoss🍀 (talk) 00:36, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]

  • Goodbye and thank you for all of your work on Wikipedia, Clovermoss. It sounds like you need to sort out your off-wiki “unhappy” life. I don’t think it is very natural to expect to be disliked. Why can’t it be neutral instead? Whether you return or not, I hope that you can become the best version of yourself - a version that believes in yourself. Put yourself first. Take care. starship.paint (talk / cont) 01:45, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
    @Starship.paint: I'm 22 years old. I expect to be disliked because people literally think I'm evil and mental healthcare sucks where I live the second you turn 18. It's not that I don't want my life to be more happy, believe me I've tried. It's just very difficult. Clovermoss🍀 (talk) 02:07, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
    Clovermoss, you are 22 years young. I believe you - you want to be happy and life is difficult. People think you are evil? That’s a laughable notion. I think you are doing a very poor job of being evil. An evil admin would have done much worse to Wikipedia. You shouldn’t let people who think you are evil dictate your life. You should ignore them. Here’s an article for you that I hope you will find useful. The article is on why you shouldn’t care so much about what others think. Focus on being a good person, improving yourself, and doing good deeds. Those people selling you down and putting you down, they don’t matter. I can’t help with the mental healthcare, you will have to search for more resources on that on your own. Don’t give up! starship.paint (talk / cont) 05:01, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
    @Starship.paint, there's some important context for Clover's remarks in the wikilink on "literally think I'm evil". -- asilvering (talk) 23:05, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
    If there's anything that I can offer you in your time of trouble that I honestly believe can be additive, these are a few words that helped me out in a terrible time in my own life. "And the universe said I love you because you are love". It's too silly to go one day living your life giving credence to the baffling notion that people believe you're evil. I have to ask a favour of you as you take your repose from Wikipedia and address personal matters: whatever is going on in your life, whatever He places in your path please, please hold on to those words. Don't forget them. You are love. BarntToust 02:52, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
    Just being extra clear that I wasn't really talking about Wikipedians above and that I spectacularly fail to meet like every standard I grew up with. It's a very isolating feeling and people who haven't been through it rarely understand. Sometimes I'm really bad at getting others to even understand what I'm even hinting at there. Anyways, I mostly wanted to reiterate that those feelings come from somewhere and tend to mess with my head a bit. When you disagree with people and then pretty much have your entire social circle disappear like it was never there... your instincts don't just suddenly forget what that's like. That doesn't prevent the intense emotions that can happen when you feel like you're thrust into a situation where you're being treated in a way that's disproportionate to your actual actions. Sometimes things impact me at a level that other people don't easily understand. For lack of a better term, I can be incredibly sensitive in the right situations. This isn't the first time I've spent hours crying (although I usually am a bit less detailed about it) because of something that happened on Wikipedia. I admit it also hurts to feel like the fact that I have emotions was held against me (no one's threatened me with ANI over that before or tried to get me to apologize for saying I have them). Regardless, I'll get over it eventually. Even if the timeline I need to make that happen doesn't quite make sense to other people. Clovermoss🍀 (talk) 03:26, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • Hey Clover. I don't think we've interacted all that much on here, but I wanted to tell you I'm sorry to see this, and also that I understand. I'm (supposedly) on break myself for many of the same reasons as you, so I hope you'll join me in putting some healthy distance from Wikipedia and reconnecting with other hobbies and things in life that make you happy. And if it helps at all, I don't think you've "irrevocably broken" anything; without downplaying how serious the last few days have been for you, I think time away to reflect and put things in perspective can do wonders. It's impossible to do anything without ruffling a few feathers. Talk to people once everyone's a little more amenable to conversation, and please never let that kill your optimism. Take care of yourself, I wish you the best, and I hope to see you back here when you're feeling better. The work you do here is worthwhile, and you make this website a better place to be. —TechnoSquirrel69 (sigh) 01:54, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • I think there is a very good chance I wouldn’t have been on Wikipedia any more if it wasn't for you Hannah, but you know that. And maybe you know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist too, and I worry constantly about doing the "right thing". But frankly, sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix everything. I beat myself up a lot after my RfA because there was a part of me that believed that things I could have done would have made things much better, but to be frank, even if I hadn't messed up so badly there people would have found another chink in my armor to target. We both know how much we can be like each other sometimes, and just like you were there for me last year in some of my worst moments, I'm here for you too, always, just as a deceased friend of mine said before he died from cancer. You are special, and you have your whole life ahead of you whether that be on Wikipedia or elsewhere. I'm proud of you. Fathoms Below (talk) 02:23, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
I hope things get better for you, and sorry to hear about your cat. Regarding, "People liked me and I was always waiting for that moment where they didn't anymore." Sure, but that is putting stock in the opinions of people you don't really know who don't really know you. For example, I could be a cannibal, or a forest clown, or a vegan, or a flat-earther. And so I do hope things get better for you, but I also hope you are hearing this from the people in your life, not just from forest clowns on the internet, Rjjiii (talk) 02:26, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
I'm very sorry to see this. I won't try to talk you out of it; you know what's best for you. But you're very likeable, and I consider you a good admin and have been happy to see you continuing to admin and edit the past couple of days. I hope it's a temporary respite and that I get to see you around here again soon. P.S. Sorry to hear about your cat :-( I hope you have someone(s) and/or something(s) furry to hug right now. Look after yourself. Yngvadottir (talk) 02:53, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • Surely you know what is best for you but recently I spent more time skiing than editing - no regrets. (t · c) buidhe 03:24, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • I was hoping this wasn’t coming and I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I hope you take care of yourself. I know we haven’t interacted too much and I’ve moreso admired you from afar. I’ve always appreciated your spirit and seeing your name around, and you’ve been an inspiration for me – I hope you can find some of the joy you’ve brought to others. Wishing you all the best, Perfect4th (talk) 03:45, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • I realize I forgot to say something in my most recent comments on your talk page: everyone spends their lives trying to learn how to manage their reactions to the opinions of others. You aren't alone in that struggle. Good luck in your future pursuits, and you're always welcome to return to Wikipedia should you wish. isaacl (talk) 05:35, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • So sorry to see all this go down. Just keep in mind that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It may be better to have an imperfect social group than to quit a social group. Ultimately that decision is up to you, and you may need to try some other social groups to truly figure out if this one is more toxic than normal, or if every social group has its flaws. Good luck in your journey. DM me anytime. –Novem Linguae (talk) 08:43, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • I second the above. I only just found about all this. All the best, whether on or off Wikipedia. Graham87 (talk) 11:07, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
Take however much time you need. If you never return to active editing, I understand your decision.
If you feel the urge to participate in a Wikipedia-like project without being on Wikipedia... Wikisource and other projects are always open. I sometimes take a break to go proofread some poetry instead. Cheers, Cremastra (talk) 21:47, 5 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
Sorry to see this, though we all need a Wikibreak sometimes. I just returned from being away a whole two years after deciding that Wikipedia had got more toxic than ever. I was so looking forward to seeing you again on a project we worked on before I left. Never mind, do whatever you think best and drop me a line anytime. Take care, Kudpung กุดผึ้ง (talk) 02:12, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
This might be my relentless optimism trying to pop up again but I think that Wikipedia as a whole is probably less toxic than it used to be. I wouldn't have stayed a whole six years otherwise (although one of these was also spent on a wikibreak). That doesn't mean I don't find certain aspects very frustrating sometimes. Wikipedia culture definitely has some toxic aspects to it... I've had enough therapy when I was younger to realize that. It's where I learned to push back when I'm being treated unfairly. But Wikipedia shouldn't be my main sense of purpose and recent events have caused me to reflect on how unhealthy that feeling is. I've been putting heavily unrealistic expectations on myself and in that way, I was always doomed to fail. Someone I was previously on good terms with was bound to get mad at me sooner or later. Presumably it's easier to bounce back from these sorts of things if you have a more balanced life so I think stepping back is a good decision. People keep asking me to do this or that and it's freeing in a way to just not feel beholden to everybody else's expectations. I should try making some friends that aren't Wikipedians and maybe join a knitting club or something. Things will probably feel less all-encompassing when they take a turn for the worse if I have something else in my life. As for shared projects, I'm afraid I'm a bit confused about what you're talking about? I do vaguely remember a group meeting with the WMF we were both present for about two years ago but not much on the specifics. Clovermoss🍀 (talk) 03:03, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
I'll mail you. Kudpung กุดผึ้ง (talk) 09:28, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
  • Just saw this, I was hoping aginst hope that this wouldn't happen :( I really value the advice you've given me over the last year or so (including pushing me to request adminship. I hope you do come back from your break, though wishing you the best for your journey even if you don't. Sohom (talk) 04:35, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]

January 2025 NPP backlog drive – Points award

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Special Edition New Page Patroller's Barnstar

This award is given in recognition to Clovermoss for accumulating at least 200 points during the January 2025 NPP backlog drive. Your contributions helped play a part in the 16,000+ articles and 14,000+ redirects reviewed (for a total of 19,791.2 points) completed during the drive. Thank you so much for taking part and contributing to help reduce the backlog! Hey man im josh (talk) 19:29, 6 February 2025 (UTC)[reply]
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